I have a hard time letting go. The joke among my friends and ex’s is if you want to end our friendship you’d better get accepted into the witness protection program ‘cause I don’t give up on those who are important to me. This is a comfort to those friends whose busy lives make it difficult to stay in touch, but a bane to the occasional escapee. (Yes, it’s true; I once drove to San Antonio and back in 36 hours trying to find out the truth from a misplaced friend)
Sometimes this unwillingness to let go has resulted in regaining a relationship that once ended badly, which is miraculous. Sometimes this means prolonged suffering as I refuse to believe something that once was so good could have ended so badly and I go over and over what i coulda woulda shoulda done. (To paraphrase Katherine Hepburn in A Lion In Winter, “How, from where we started did we get here?”)
I’m better at stuff. I teach workshops on being organized so I’m pretty good at deciding whether something is eminently beautiful, useful or too sentimental to part with. I do have hard time letting go of things that once meant something important, even though that person has made a run for it. (Ok so I still have the crumbled duct tape from the first time I saw husband #1’s band play but it’s tiny and somewhere in a box…) This week I’m packing up a couple of things that were gifts from people whose departure and subsequent absence still hurts. At first I kept the items on display because they are beautiful, and I thought being reminded of the good times was a good thing, until they began sapping my energy and I felt surrounded by ghosts of a not so benevolent kind.
But back to today’s distinction, letting go; it sounds so final, so active. As if I’m throwing away everything and the memories no longer have meaning or value. Or as in the case of job hunting, being open to finding a significant other, or some thing else where attachment isn’t the strongest spiritual path, letting go feels like I’m saying “WHAT – ever!” as if I have no interest in the outcome. This of course isn’t true, and I think the universe likes some clarity; in fact I think manifesting what we want or need demands a little clarity, a little input.
So I’ve reframed the whole idea into not holding on. To me this is a gentler, kinder way to tell the universe “I’m open to what you have in mind but I want you to know I’ve given this a more than passing thought and it’s kinda important to me.”
Letting go feels as if I’m throwing something away whereas not holding on feels like I’m just opening my hand, which allows whatever needs to leave, the space in which to exit while at the same time I’m open and ready to receive whatever is coming my way.
onward and upward,
© C A Crossman and Dancing Through Life with Spirit, 2012.
Dancing Through Life with Spirit 