Category Archives: contentment

Aug10

Down the Rabbit Hole and Over the Rainbow

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Can it really be 3 months since I’ve written? Hard to believe how life can change in the blink of an eye. On May 14th just as I was accepting a job I didn’t really want, but the only offer extended after 5 months of looking, the manager at a company I used to work for decided to retire. Within an hour of the district manager receiving her notice at 5:00 pm on the 15th, we were communicating and by 7:30 the next morning I was offered exactly the job I wanted but never thought would be available, site manger for 2 stores. Be careful what you wish for!

Not someone who enjoys traveling, actually I have nothing against traveling, I often enjoy it once I’m on the road, it’s leaving home I hate, I was on a plane the following Monday for training after 4 crazy days of paperwork and packing. I headed for Terrill Texas where we crammed 12 days of training into roughly 4 ½, time being of the essence because on my return I was facing not only inventory in both stores a week apart, but inventory using brand new equipment and procedures, no pressure there! (The key to a smooth inventory is preparation and I would have little to no time to prep.)

Though many systems have changed, much of what I knew when working for the company 5 years prior returned to my out of practice brain. Inventory went surprisingly smoothly and 3 months later the stores are almost organized to my standards. Things are moving forward ¾ slowly!

If it was any other time of year, getting everything done would not have been so pressing, but not only do I live in a tourist town where summer ‘tis the season to make money, it’s also back to school time for us and I manage clothing stores, so the pressure has been more than normal.

Considering I went from a total focus on my creative life, painting and writing to a complete dive back into the world of corporate retail, I’m managing fairly well. Having muses who understand and are willing to wait while not allowing me to forget, helps. Remembering that organizing is a form of creativity and acknowledging that creativity doesn’t always mean writing the next prize winning play or painting up a storm has kept my artistic side ever hopeful of attention. Keeping in touch with my weekly writing group, whether I’ve written or not has spurred me to sneak in a few pages now and then, and dutifully writing my morning pages and journaling allows me some feeling of creative virtue.

I also took 3 days to go away to Ojo Caliente with a writing buddy, where I was gifted for the idea for a retreat  and am planning to offer it in October (when hopefully things will be in better balance.)

So what is the life school lesson in all this? Be clear on what you need and want, ask for, accept and allow. Put infrastructures in place to support your passion when the practicalities of life take precedence, so that when you can grab a moment you will have what you need. (Fishing pole, pastels, pen and paper, guitar, being organized allows you to be creative!)

Know that balance is a teeter-totter and the center point is an “and” not an “or”, you can have all you want and need, though not necessarily at the same time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, I get by with a little help from my friends, and my therapist, and my massage therapist, and the person I now pay to clean my house and my neighbor who helps me with the ferals and…

Last but not least, know that time IS of the essence, and that means distilling and appreciating the essence of what sustains, gives joy, renews, the light on the garden as you drink your coffee, the customer with whom you have a meaningful exchange, the moment it takes to remind a friend that busy or not, you’re here for them. Life is made up of the minutes and days and how we spend them is how we do life, to paraphrase a quote I once read.

Onward and upward,

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May2

Take It From Where It Comes

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When I was learning to ride and train horses, I prided myself on the fact that I didn’t buy into speculation, rumors, and the tendency to pick apart other riders. I studied the classic books on theory, did my best to understand the physics of horse training and took criticism from where it came, only the advice of instructors and professionals I respected, counted.

As I joined the ranks of professionals I continued this behavior; I let my abilities do the speaking and that has carried through for most of my life.

When I first bought my horse, I moved him from a field in Pennsylvania to a fancy hunter-jumper stable in suburban NJ. It was winter; my horse was a warm blood. (A fancy name for a horse who was neither draft nor race horse) I suspect there was Belgian in his background, the breed that is most famous for its ability to pull heavy loads; he was not far removed from a plow horse in other words.

Stout, he had feet like soup bowls and feathers on his legs, not quite a candidate for Budweiser, but perhaps you get my drift. This was the 70’s, before actual European warmbloods became the norm. Everyone was riding thoroughbreds, many of the horses came from the track so there were a lot of wild rides and elaborate pieces of equipment intended to put the horse in the proper frame.

The first night I’d brought my boy down from the farm, he was sporting a long coat, a longer mane and yes, those feathers on his legs. A couple of teenagers passed Michael’s stall, glanced inside and one said to the other “what do they call this thing, Olaf?”

Fast forward a week, Michael was now clipped, his sorrel coat dappled and shiny, his mane pulled to an acceptable length, there was nothing I could do about the soup bowls, trimming his legs had made his feet seem even bigger. I’d been working him in a simple snaffle bit and baling twine tie down, a trick I’d learned at horse training school. The baling twine was uncomfortable and so the horse learned quickly not to lean on it, if done properly it was a simple and temporary aid to building a horses neck muscles. Not pretty, but effective, to my mind it beat traditional standing martingales, wide straps of leather that served a similar but lasting purpose as the horse learned to lean on them.

Of course such unorthodox practice led to even more speculation about who and what we were. I ignored the buzz, worked and put away my horse and was standing by the ring watching the other riders, when a voice next to me said “Your gelding’s incredibly light on his feet and flexible, these people don’t know what they’re looking at.” I turned to find the resident professional, an older black gentleman who had trained some of the top 3 and 5 gaited horses in his day. I was content with the validation his words offered. That the day came when the buzz on the local show circuit at the sight of my horse was “Well there goes the pleasure classes,” because Michael had never in his career entered the ring without placing, my faith in my horse and my ability was ever the sweeter.

The habit of taking it from where it came served me well for a long time. Until I moved from the realm of horses into the world of people and found I no longer had clear standards by which to measure who was an expert. Friendship, age, love all became part of the equation. I found myself asking for advice and taking to heart everyone’s thoughts. The more I cared for someone, the more weight their opinion carried, and for someone with the natural tendency to be a pleaser/fixer this became a sure road to self-sabotage.

As a result, I came to believe my only value was in what I could give people. That I had to be able to help, fix, or supply something to have value and worth. Everything I touched had to be the best I could do, there was no such thing as “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” everything could be improved, especially me.

Well yesterday I had a moment, normally I would call it an epiphany or an AH-HAH in capital letters but this moment was more like a sigh.

I realized that if I just was, the world would likely still keep turning, people would still enjoy my company (and maybe more so) and yes things would likely get done eventually. Kris Kristofferson’s famous line, “freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose” suddenly made sense in the most positive of ways. If I wasn’t holding on to the need to be perfect, there was no expectation to be won or lost.

I felt a lot lighter as the wonder of what if… wafted through my being. I wanted to be a lily of the field, to not toil or spin, to just take in the warmth of the sun and cool of the rain and for those people who liked lilies, great, for those who preferred daisies – ah well. What a relief.

I’m not sure how this will play out in a world of commitments, obligations and stuff that really does need to get done. For example I no sooner had this lovely feeling than I realized I needed to write a blog. Deciding it is a commitment I’d like to keep, I thought well write what you know and this is what’s in my face. I hope one of the ways this realization will play out is by leaving me less pinned to my stats page and the tendency to count views, likes and comments as validation of my worth as a writer. I know I don’t always take the time to read everyone’s blog, comment or like, even though I admire and appreciate their writing – so duh?

Though possibly cause for concern when embracing such an irresponsible lifestyle, I suspect I will become motivated long before I enter a state of complete sloth. What I hope is that when the muses call, I paint first and load the dishwasher second, trusting that there is a time and season for everything. Guess I’ll find out. I’ll keep you posted!

Onward and upward,

 

 

© C A Crossman and Dancing Through Life with Spirit, 2012.

 

Mar23

Day of Distinction – Must I be Satisfied to be Content?

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I love distinctions. I’m far from an expert and don’t claim to base mine on much more than how I’ve experienced a word or how it feels. I have an admitted addiction to my Thesaurus and fear that as we settle for the shortening of words and the discarding of punctuation we will lose nuance along the way. How boring will life become then! In honor of our amazing gift of words I declare Fridays the Day of Distinction, choose your words with care; they are an endangered species.

Must I be Satisfied to be Content?

To be satisfied feels as if there must have been some kind of goal or result or expectation involved. Satisfied seems to require action and a yardstick by which to judge the result of that action. Perspective plays a part in satisfaction as well. I can be satisfied with a result or an attempt at a result, depending on which perspective I choose. Is my perfectionist looking at whatever and satisfied with what I’ve done? Is the me who’s learning I am enough, the observer and therefore the intention behind and effort I put forth enough though the result is less than perfect? Satisfaction comes from the outside in and fills our need for measurable accomplishment.

Contentment on the other hand is a state of being, more a result of awareness and presence than doing or accomplishing. I can be in the midst of an unfinished project or even thrashing around in the throes of anguish, stop, notice the way the sun hits a branch or how cute my cat looks sleeping and be flooded with contentment, then return to whatever I was doing not yet satisfied. Contentment comes from the inside and wraps us in comfort and the feeling that all is well.

For example, I’m not satisfied with my life right now, without a job and the income it brings I am uncomfortable, feel less than and am frustrated that as skilled and experienced as I am no one wants to hire me. What more should I do or be to achieve my goal?

On the other hand when I really stop and look at my life right this moment, I have everything I need, dear loving friends, health and opportunity, suddenly I am content to trust that the universe knows what it’s doing.

On the flip side, satisfaction can have egotism and superiority as its downfall; contentment can lead to complacency and possibly sloth. (Or other “deadly” sins I suppose)

For each there is a place; satisfaction spurs us to try and often accomplish, then holds us in that higher level we’ve achieved. Contentment teaches us balance and to stop and smell the roses so we remember to be as well as to do.

Satisfaction is the cat that has just eaten the canary; contentment is the cat lying in the sun while the canary sings above him.

onward and upward,

© C A Crossman and Dancing Through Life with Spirit, 2012

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