Ain’t Nothin’ but The Real Thing Baby

I’m designing a retreat series titled “No Time for Detours”, practical, sustainable ways to stop allowing life’s scenic overlooks, business loops and rest stops from becoming detours on the way to a life that satisfies and nurtures.

Two books that have been extremely helpful are Martha Beck’s Finding Your Own North Star and Barbara Sher’s I Could Do Anything I Want, if I Only Knew What it Was.

As with most lessons in Earth School, these came at just the right time. I started Barbara’s book first, but didn’t make it past the 2^nd chapter. I picked up Martha’s book and was engrossed, worked the exercises, formed a beautiful picture of the life I wanted and discovered valuable insights and actions; then I thought a lot about what I might do first.

Last week I picked up Barbara’s book again. Suddenly I was hearing exactly what I needed to hear. What leapt out at me, (ok so it’s leap year and I couldn’t resist) was the idea of escape dreams verses real dreams.

Escape dreams are the extravagant, otherworldly visions that we turn to when life feels like a trap; they’re entertaining and diverting. Real dreams contain adventures that light up our hearts; they feel possible and right.

In this world of bigger, better, faster, we’re told to dream big, that we can have it all; unfortunately too often that leads to mistaking escape dreams for real dreams. We rarely take the first step toward escape dreams, because deep down we know they won’t work. We know that giving up everything and moving to a desert island won’t sustain us, we’d miss the kids, or the dog or the inspiration of the people around us, we’d get sun burnt, we don’t like sand, what ever the realities of that big dream are, they won’t give us joy in the long run.

Our escape dreams do contain valuable information though, what do we believe such a life would provide that we don’t have now?

Ok, so my big dream involved an effortless life of creating – writing, painting, speaking, retreat leading. These pursuits would unfold effortlessly, audiences clamoring for my time and wisdom, publishers lining up, no marketing, no networking, no horror of horrors, cocktail parties where I would have to make chitty chat. No I would awake with brilliant thoughts, my beloved wishing me well as he went off to do his own thing, my creative partner appearing eager to share, my assistant taking care of all the icky problems and challenges that would distract me from my brilliance. Sounds lovely huh?

The truth is; I don’t do well without structure and I love challenges and problem solving. Right now I’m unemployed; I have all the time in the world to create. So how have I spent this time? Reading murder mysteries. Total brain candy, letting someone else solve all the problems while I wallow in effortless inactivity. Without somewhere I have to go, I indulge my introvert side, eventually creating loneliness and the feeling that I don’t have the energy to “get out there”. I need people and connection to discover fodder for my writing, some of those cocktail conversations were fascinating and inspiring even while the thought of going terrified me. Effortless is a nice fantasy, but it doesn’t motivate me.

I was holding onto a picture of either or, either I work a job or I have this perfect life of effortless creating. Looking deeper, the times I have been the happiest were those when I worked at a job that provided me enough income to pay the bills, got me out to engage with people and used my problem solving and leadership skills so that I saw tangible results; then I made time to write, draw, take classes and yes, even network. One fed the other and not having to rely on my creativity to pay the bills allowed me to actually enjoy when I made some money from my creative side.  The job satisfied my need for order and structure and my need to be needed and acknowledged, having to make time for my passions spoke to me in my favorite love language, quality time.

Is this your idea of a really good time? Perhaps not, but it’s mine and that’s what I finally gave myself permission to own.

So last week, I started a blog. This week I took my friend up on his offer to show my art and started painting. I’ve also reframed my thoughts around the type of job I want instead of what I thought I needed. Interesting that the steps are now unfurling effortlessly and I’m enjoying the effort of completing them. Practicing a life of “and” not “or”.

What are your dreams? Why aren’t you following them? If you find yourself putting off the first steps to making them come true, then maybe you’re mistaking an escape dream for the real thing.

onward and upward,

 

© C A Crossman and Dancing Through Life with Spirit,2012.

Out of the Closet

In my closet I keep my costumes. That’s how I think of the majority of my clothes even though many are not unusual or even theatrical; some are quite ordinary. The ordinary ones are for the days when I choose to feel or be ordinary, usually in an attempt to belong. Although I suppose there’s something in choosing to be ordinary instead of just being that way that hints of the extraordinary.

I wonder if the rest of the world views their wardrobe the same way I do, as a first defense to an outsider interested in discovering who I really am? I’m pretty sure I also know people to whom getting dressed is a should not an expression.

I admit I use my clothes. (Sometimes I wonder that they don’t use me, how else to explain the completely out of character purchase I’ve been known to make and wear?) They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but that is often the very thing that catches our eye and invites connection, so why not use that cover as an advantage? I use mine to make statements; strive for acceptance and/or admiration or announce my mood. With my choice of raiment I attract or repel as circumstances warrant, my personality contracting or expanding dependent on color, construction, fit, and flow.

I also believe the garments I choose send important messages to my Self.  If I choose to wear something old and ratty, using the excuse no one will see so what’s the harm, might that not lead to excusing ratty actions because there was no witness? At the end of the day I come home to me, to facing no one but my Self in the mirror and if I garb that Self in something I wouldn’t give to someone I love, then what am I saying to me?

Trust in the Dance

This morning as I was preparing to write my first real blog post, I choked. I ran right into that big old block of writer’s angst headfirst, bounced off and sat stunned on the ground wondering – Who? What? Where?

In my early years of newsletter writing, I knew I had something to say. Each week as I finished an issue I would type the words “and next week’s topic will be…” then I’d wait, words would roll forth from my fingertips, I’d look at them and think “oh that’s interesting, but I don’t know anything about…” unfailingly before the next Friday, Earth School would drop exactly the homework I needed into my lap and I would find myself knowing just what to say.

So you can see how saying this morning’s void was disconcerting is an understatement! I mean, I didn’t jump into this whole blog thing lightly; I debated it with my writing buddies and my Self. I pondered whether blogging wasn’t a violation of my stand for quality one-on-one communication and against social networking. I even went so far as to buy the book Blogging For Dummies. (Which frightened as much as it enlightened.)

In the end I trusted that I had something to say that someone needed to hear and I launched this page. So what’s going on? Last week I had a zillion ideas and now nada, zip. Every thought I tested came back a chore instead of a joy. It was like learning to dance all over again!

There I admit it, I learned to dance as a “should.”  I should be able to dance. My brother’s a dancer so I should learn to dance from him. Everyone should dance…and worst of all -If I’m going to dance, I should do it perfectly.

So dancing became a chore, a challenge, something to be conquered and perfected.  I spent so much time worrying about getting it right, I forgot why I wanted to dance in the first place, because it looked like fun; it wasn’t fun at all.

Until last year, when I met someone who embodied everything I originally loved about dancing. He was skilled, graceful, precise, and best of all – he danced like no one was watching. With every cell and atom of my being I wanted to dance with him.

Then at my party to celebrate surviving cancer, I finally got the chance. In the middle of a conversation he said, “Put some music on we’re going to swing dance.” Terrified I looked into his eyes and as if he said the words out loud I heard “I know you’re scared but if you’re willing to face it, I’m with you.” I put on a song, walked across the room and as his hand went around my waist I felt the one thing that had been missing from most of my previous attempts, I felt trust.

Was the dance perfect? Far from it, not only did we start and stop as I lost the beat every time my brain intruded, at once point I missed a cue, let go when I should’ve held on and nearly broke an entire china cabinet full of crystal by careening into it. But it was in that moment, when normally I would have fled in mortification, that I chose to stay and continue. I chose to trust, trust my partner yes, but more importantly to trust my Self that I could do this thing called dancing and have fun at it. (In fact the picture at the top of my last post is of that dance, I look like I’m having fun don’t I? I was.)

This morning just as I bounced off my writer’s block, the phone rang. The caller was a friend who is also a writer, going through some tough times and grappling with the question of trust. As we talked I realized I did have something to say, that writing, like dancing, or anything else in Earth School boils down to trust.

Yes, desire plays a role; it’s the catalyst that tells Self and the universe what you want to create. Clarity is a biggie and more on that later. Surrender and acceptance are the keys to keeping each dance going, surrendering to the music, accepting the song that is being played. But in the end what moves ideas into form is trust, trust that you can follow or lead, trust that you’ll know the steps or improvise, and trust that if you hit a wall, (or a china cabinet) a way around or through will be provided.

Even when it feels as if our faith is gone, it is trust that keeps us going. We trust that our legs will support us when we get out of bed, we have faith that that gravity will keep us from flying into the heavens and we know in our hearts that the sun is shining behind those clouds.

I may not know what the next moment will bring, but if I listen and trust right now, I will be led to the next step and the next. Where I get in trouble is when I leap ahead past the present moment or behind into what’s happened before. If I can only trust the now, I have everything I need and quite possibly something I very much want.

onward and upward,

© C A Crossman and Dancing Through Life with Spirit,2012.

This post is dedicated to my friend Charles who gave me just what I needed when I needed it to get this baby out of my head and onto the page!

Shall We Dance?

Swing dancing at my "Yippee I survived breast cancer again" party

Welcome to my new blog, Dancing Through Life with Spirit. From 2001 through 2010 I wrote an e-letter that had fans around the world. This newsletter went through several incarnations, what began as The Times of Your life, a life coaching based theme metamorphosed to Retreat Corner Rhapsody, which offered simple ways to step out of your life and back into your Self to my final offering, Reflections, which was just that reflections on the lessons I was being given in life school.

Dancing Through Life with Spirit will be a continuation of those themes and my life mission, which is to create safe and sacred space for my Self and others to think and act in new ways. I hope to start conversations about how we can dance through life with both spirit and Spirit.

Dancing is the metaphor that best describes what I have learned about how to best navigate the world. Dance can be formal or not, performed alone, with a partner, in a group circle,  line or other formation. Sometimes we lead; sometimes we are led. When we’re in the flow things are easy and smooth, other days we step on toes, miss the beat, or fall on our butts. There are skills that make the process easier, and practice helps. Thinking works sometimes and at others it gets in the way. That dancing well and easily is my greatest fear and my greatest desire is probably the real reason the metaphor holds so much fascination.

So I’ll confess up front, when it comes to dancing, I’m a perpetual student, as I get older I find the same is true for life. Once upon a time I knew a lot, who I was, what I wanted and how I was going to get there, because I’ve done my best to let Spirit lead this dance, things haven’t always turned out as I imagined.

Recently I survived, job loss, divorce, the loss of friends, family and pets, cancer (for the second time), and dreams denied and lost. I discovered that not only am I still standing, I’m still ready willing and able to dance. I invite you to join me on my journey, and if my questions make you think, if my choices provide possibilities, if my words catalyze you to action, then I have fulfilled my mission.

Shall we dance?

© C A Crossman and Dancing Through Life with Spirit,2012.